Hey MO!

 I’ve found since arriving in Washington, when people ask where I’m from and I say Missouri, the most common response is “Hmm, I’ve never been there. What’s it like?” The temptation is to talk about the weather, but I don’t think that’s really what they are wondering about. I thought I’d put my journalistic skills to work and interview Missouri as a state, so I have some better answers.

 

Me: How’s it going MO?

MO: Why don’t you show me how it's going?

Me: Ah, yes, the show-me state. Everyone is envious of your motto, right up there with Don’t Tread on Me.

MO: Another good one.

Me: People have been asking me what Missouri is like. I think they may be wondering about politics. So how’s Missouri doing politically?

MO: Well, in our last big election in 2024, we just had half a dozen ballot issues, and we supported the more progressive position on five out of six of them.

Me: Wow, that’s solidly progressive! So I guess you elect a lot of democrats?

MO: Not a single one in any statewide office. There hasn’t been for years.

Me: That’s an interesting dichotomy. Well, at least you’re very unified across the state. That must be nice.

MO: Oh no, we’ve got that big cultural divide. You know, the rural vs. urban thing. Those two types of people don’t mix. Those small-town country folks love their rural roots, and the city people love what the city has to offer, and neither one trusts the other.

Me: So country people don’t go to the cities?

MO: Only for baseball. And football. And concerts. And shopping. Maybe restaurants and festivals, but that’s it.

Me: And city people don’t like the country?

MO: No, they love the country. The suburbs are full of sporting goods stores selling hunting and fishing gear, utvs, boats… you name it. City people hope to retire to the country if they can afford to buy some land of their own someday.

Me: So what’s the urban vs. rural cultural divide again?

MO: Well, there are certain parts of the city that country people would be afraid to go to. And there are certain city people who wouldn’t be comfortable going to the country.

Me: Are you sure we’re not talking about race?

MO: Hold on there! No, no, no… none of that now. No one said anything about race.

Me: So, what else have you been up to?

MO: Well, we finally got firearm deaths where we want them.

Me: You mean you eliminated or greatly reduced them?

MO: No, no, we increased it. After we got rid of needing a permit to purchase a handgun in 2007, firearm deaths went up 34 percent. We got another real nice bump up in deaths after we got rid of needing a permit for concealed carry about 10 years later. We’re consistently one of the top states in the nation in firearm deaths now.

Me: Surely increasing firearm deaths wasn’t the intention of that legislation, was it?

MO: I’m pretty sure it was, because that was the result, and no one is talking about changing anything back.

Me: Missouri sounds kind of stressful. What do you do to relax?

MO: I pretty much stay baked. At first it was medicinal, but now it’s just for fun. From 2020 to May of 2023, I smoked $1 billion worth of legal pot, and that was with a prescription. Once it became recreational, I really got fired up, consuming $1.46 billion worth of weed in 2024, and $1.53 billion in 2025.

Me: Speaking of recreational things, how’s that new Rock Island Trail coming along?

MO: It’s never going to happen. Not for 100 years anyway. Absolutely cannot afford it.

Me: I thought the company that owned the railway gave you all the land, pulled up the rails and ties, cutback the right of way and left a ready-to-go trail bed.

MO: Correct.

Me: So you would just need to keep the brush cutback, put down some gravel, and repair a couple of bridges and tunnels?

MO: That is true.

Me: But you can’t afford to do that, so you’re keeping this new state park perpetually closed?

MO: You’ve got it. Individual towns along the trail can spend their own money to open their own little one-mile sections in town, but there’s no way MO can put up money to complete the trail so it is even remotely functional as a trail.

Me: Didn’t you just say you were spending a billion and a half a year on pot? Are you sure you don’t have any money?

MO: Nope, I’m all tapped out.

Me: Wow, so if you don’t have enough money to establish a simple dirt path on land that you already own, I guess you’re talking about big tax increases to support your infrastructure?

MO: Kind of going the other way with that one. Our next big move is to eliminate our income tax altogether.

Me: Because it’s not an important source of revenue, so it doesn’t matter?

MO: Actually, the income tax we’re trying to throw out the window provides 60 percent of the revenue for state government.

Me: Thank you for you time, MO, but I don’t think I’m getting any closer to being able to explain Missouri to people who haven’t been there, so we might as well wrap it up.

MO: Just tell them to come burn one with me. That’s the best way to get to know me.

Me: They’ll probably be all for that.